So the other night, when the girl spawn started pounding on my door at 1:30 in the morning, I was not real happy. In fact, I wanted to kill her. Mr. Wonderful was buck nekkid and we were nice and toasty, snoring away…
Then I saw the look of terror on her face and I was wide awake.
Girl spawn: “There is something in my throat”, “I just woke up and I can feel something stuck in my throat”. Ooh, she was crying her eyes out, borderline hysterical.
Me: “Calm down, Calm down, I can’t understand you”. So she repeated it, only quieter,
Girl spawn: “I just woke up and I can feel something stuck in my throat”.
Me: “Ok, calm down, it will be ok, let’s take a look”. She has her phone in hand so we turn on the flashlight.
Don’t you love that shit? A flashlight on your phone? Fuck I love technology!
Anyway, I tell her to open her mouth and stick out her tongue.
That’s when I see what looks like a tooth growing out of the side of her throat.
Fuckingshitfromhell! OMG! WTF?
Do I panic? Do I scream, “Holy shit, you got a tooth growing outta the back of your throat!”
Nope, I channel Ms. Perfect Mother and Ms. Lying sack of shit Mother at the same time.
I calmly lie.
Me: “Oh wow, looks like a little blister in there, does your throat hurt at all?” Her: “Yes a little bit”
Me: “You must be getting a sore throat or strep, I’ll get you a glass of water and if it still feels bad in the morning, I will take you to see Dr. Pediatrician”.
Then the girl spawn says something that breaks my heart. She says “I thought I had cancer in my throat, like Falafel”. I hugged her harder and told her that she did not have cancer and that Falafel is gonna be ok.
Tucked her back in, kissed her and down the hall I went; still calm when I opened the door to my bedroom, still calm when I slid into the bed.
Then, I grabbed Mr. Wonderful and freaked out.
Me: “OHMYGOD,GIRL SPAWN HAS A TOOTH GROWING IN THE BACK OF HER THROAT!!!!” I was ready to lose it completely and asked him “Do you think maybe she’s like one of those twins that absorb the other one and this is part of the other twin?”
Yes, I really did ask him that. No, I’m not a complete dumbass all the time, I swear.
Mr. Wonderful, the voice of reason, “Did you GTS it?”…For those of you who don’t know, that means, “google that shit”.
I did…tonsilolith…aka tonsil stone…Ewwwwwwww…I never heard of this in my life…nah, that’s not girl spawns mouth, it’s some lady on google images.
Girl spawn has yuck mouth. This explains why she always has bad breath.
The next day, (in my car, dammit!!) she sneezed and that thing flew outta her mouth and landed in the door handle of the passenger seat. Ewwwwww again
Trip to Dr. Pediatrician, now will get to see Ear, Nose and Throat guy.
Sometimes motherhood is fucking nasty.