Four months ago when my girlfriend the Swede visited from London, we had a list of touristy shit to take her to.
She also had her own list.
Some of the shit she wanted to do was just not my cuppa tea, she wanted to see Spahn Ranch, which is where the Manson family lived and I don’t find that entertaining, I think it’s ick, gross and made me feel ill, so when we got there, I pitched a fit and then walked across the street and waited in a church, listening to the church band rehearse.
Anyway…one of the places she wanted to visit has always been a big ass curiosity for me…
I wanted to see up close and personal…
The Scientology center.
You know, Scientologists?
John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Tom nutjob Cruise, Kirstie Alley and the latest defector, Miss bigmouth herself, Leah Remini, who I think is ballsy and loud as all hell and I really like and would so invite her over to hang out.
Anyway…we visited and it was interesting.
Boy was it interesting…
Mr. Wonderful, the Swede and I drove around the building a coupla times and it is pretty cool looking, although I’m not a big fan of the paint job.
We only had an hour before a tour we had scheduled, (Dearly Departed, “Tragical History Tour”, which was fun as shit, and I will have to tell you about another time)
So we walk in and the first thing I notice is that everyone that works there is dressed in the exact same uniform, like McDonalds, only tidier. Black pants, black shoes, black jacket, white shirt with collar. The only reason I really noticed the uniform was because the girl that took us on a tour had her zipper down on her pants a bit and her white shirt was stickin out, like a teeny weenie, which made it hard to concentrate on her face and what she was saying.
Anyway, there were little areas to sit down at and our zombie girl tour guide had us watch some short films about Scientology.
So we three sat and oohed and ahhed over the film we watched, which was some bullshit propaganda stuff about how wonderful L. Ron Hubbard (the founder of Scientology) was and it was really hard not to open my mouth and comment on the bullshit in the film. One of the things in the film was all about him being a war hero, and I already knew from reading about him years ago that he seemed to be full of shit and was rather useless in the Navy.
So our zombie girl showed us the “E-meter” and we all took a turn holding it while she asked us a question.
It was fucking stupid and it was really hard not to laugh.
This is what it looks like:
This is what Scientology says about the “E-Meter”:
According to the Church of Scientology, the e-meter is a “pastoral counseling device” that helps locate “spiritual distress or travail”. Scientologists believe the meter can gauge energy in the body and read spiritual trauma through a process called auditing. By addressing that trauma, people can neutralize these charges, they say. Working their way through stages, they eventually reach a state they call clear. Scientologists believe auditing, using the E-meters, is a guide to self-discovery.
But we were interested and we wanted more, so we agreed to come back for a “personality test”…
Fuck it, it was fun shit and we figured we would make some fun memories.
We told zombie girl we would come back later and we did, although Mr. Wonderful was done and said he would wait in the car.
So the Swede and I then took some tests. We were there for well over an hour, filling in the dots and doing multiple choice and then each of us did an IQ test.
After we were done, a zombie lady with an English accent talked to each of us alone.
We found out that we were both seriously fucked up and guess what? We need to take lots and lots of Scientology classes and we need to buy lots and lots of Scientology books.
They were so fucking pushy, but super sugary sweet and it irritated the shit outta me. I seriously wanted to smack Ms. Zombie English accent.
Anyway, the Swede was led out into the big lobby after her evaluation and while I waited for mine, I decided I really needed to go pee.
Yup…up the stairs I went with a zombie, who waited at the door of the bathroom while I went. It was very hard not to laugh when the zombie in the stall next to me ripped a loud ass fart.
Getting out of there was a bitch…
They don’t want you to leave and I told my zombie girl that Mr. Wonderful was waiting in the car and she said, “We can go get him and bring him in”…Oh hell no.
When I told her I did not have a credit card to pay for the fucking library of books I needed to fix me, she said we should go out and get one from my boyfriend waiting in the car.
She was relentless. She irritated the shit outta me and I could not stop staring at her little shirt weening stickin out.
Anyway, I was happy to get out without having my brain chewed out by them.
So guess what?….
About a week later, Ms. Zombie English accent called…
Yes, I fucking wrote down my phone number when I filled the shit out. What can I say, I didn’t lie on the papers, ya know?…Geez, I am a dumbass, I know…
I ignored her message.
She called again and left me another message the following week.
Then I got shit in the mail…Again, I am stupid and I wrote down my damned address too, geez I just am not a good liar.
Ms. Zombie English accent called me again about 2 weeks ago. I just could not help myself…I told her she was very nice but full of shit and then I hung up…
I thought that was the end of it…
Nope…got more shit in the mail last week.
They certainly are determined to change my mind.
Are they a cult? Yeah, I think they are. I found them to be creepy and very Stepford wife-ish. I also think it would be very easy to get sucked into that shit if you’re lonely and have a void in your life.
I think they pounce on people after playing into their insecurities and feeding them a bunch of bullshit that they say is “scientific proof”….
Suck it, I aint buyin…
Although I really wanted to meet John Travolta and sing some songs from Grease, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen, ya know?