This shit is hell.
When I was younger (geez, I cannot believe I am actually starting a sentence off with this) when I would hear women talk about menopause or read anything, I thought “Oh suck it up ya big ol’ baby, how bad can it be?’
I never thought my calves or the front of my knees could actually feel hot and sweaty. Like they are on fire, from within.
When the heat hits, it is not just hot, it is anxiety, bitchiness and the need (fast) to get myself cooled off.
The longer it takes for me to get to a fan, air conditioning or my head in the freezer the more cuntish I become.
It’s not just the heat either. I am such a bitch. Short, cranky, critical and I am a blithering crybaby over everything.
I have insomnia and when I finally do fall asleep, I wake up over and over and over again.
I’m hot, kick the blankets off.
I’m cold, pull the blankets up.
Here is the shit list of symptoms of menopause. If you click on any of em, it will take you to menopause-symptoms.com if you want to read more about this hell.
- 1. Hot Flashes check
- 2. Night Sweats check
- 3. Irregular Periods-gone. Ablation surgery 3 years ago April-best thing EVER!
- 4. Loss of Libido Oh God no! I am praying this does not happen
- 5. Vaginal Dryness Nope, but if it happens, my GYN says to use Coconut oil..I’ll tell Mr. Wonderful to close his eyes and pretend he is at the beach sippin a Pina Colada
- 6. Mood Swings, hello Cybil
- 7. Fatigue exhausted all the time
- 8. Hair Loss ah geez, I’m afraid I will look like Kojak
- 9. Sleep Disorders WTF does this mean, of course my sleep is affected, see above
- 10. Difficult Concentrating yup
- 11. Memory Lapses hmmm..I don’t remember…just kiddin, yeyup
- 12. Dizziness yup
- 13. Weight Gain hello fatty
- 14. Incontinence Thank you Kegels…sittin here doin em as I type
- 15. Bloating yup
- 16. Allergies already have em
- 17. Brittle Nails, hmmm…I dunno, I have gel on em
- 18. Changes in Odor uhhh…I don’t think so (as I sniff my pits)…if I was limber enough to lean over and smell my crotch I would, but I can’t, (due to #13 and 15)
- 19. Irregular Heartbeat shit I have that already, I have A-fib
- 20. Depression Oh definately
- 21. Anxiety Thank you Ativan
- 22. Irritability I’m a bit of a bitch
- 23. Panic Disorder Yup
- 24. Breast Pain especially the left one
- 25. Headaches I’m eating Advil by the handful
- 26. Joint Pain especially my fingers
- 27. Burning Tongue ummm…only if I eat really hot salsa
- 28. Electric Shocks I guess if I stuck my fingers in a light socket, but other than that, nope
- 29. Digestive Problems I’m a pretty regular pooper
- 30. Gum Problems only if I brush or floss too hard
- 31. Muscle Tension oh yes, just got a prescription for relaxants
- 32. Itchy Skin It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again….never mind..Yup, sure do
- 33. Tingling Extremities yes, my feet and fingers
- 34. Acne I’m a pizza face lately
I am starting to feel really bad for Mr. Wonderful and girl spawn, they have to live with me and my shit.
Here’s my theory:
To lessen the severity of menopause, God gave us wine and martinis.
Shit aint cutting it, I need something stronger, like, I dunno…heroin.
I’m waiting for a beard to show up too and I check my magic mirror regularly while clenching my tweezers.
I call it a magic mirror, but every time I look in it I am seriously traumatized by all the pores and wrinkles and shit. Yikes. Scary.
Lack of hormones can cause a deeper, hoarse voice.
Remember Bea Arthur? Oh God..please don’t make me sound like her.
Although the picture here is of a painting someone did of her with her knockers hangin out and she had quite a pair. I don’t think it was really her knockers, but some dumbass bought if for close to 2 million dollars.
Shit, I woulda let him see mine for 50 bucks..
Pretty funny stuff here, glad I visited. Looking forward to purchasing some of your products.