Junk in the trunk

Okay…

We have all seen the ginormous asses.

For some reason that I do not understand, this seems to be all the rage.

It really started with Jennifer Lopez, who I refuse to call “J lo”, which I think is fucking ridiculous, is that supposed to make her sound like she’s all street and rough and shit?

Cuz I think it sounds completely stupid, but anyway…

She showed up with that big ol’ ass and people went crazy. We were all just fascinated by how she looked like such a proportionately shaped woman but then she turned around and there was this HUGE ass just sittin there, kinda hangin off the back of her, like an ass shelf.

Then came twerking.

I just do not understand the whole fascination with twerking, or that somebody actually coined the word “twerk”.

Stupid shit.

Men seem to dig it though; I asked Mr. Wonderful and he was kinda cagey about it but said, “Well, yeah, some of it’s hot”.

It’s cuz it reminds them of being humped.

Whatever-I’ll save my twerking for in the bedroom.

When I first saw girl spawn twerk I about thought I would have a heart attack, she was about 7 or 8 years old. “Stop that RIGHT NOW” I yelled, as if I was an 85 year old lady.  There is something very wrong about a little girl doin it, ya know?

Anyway…back to big ol’ booties…

Jennifer Lopez was followed by Kim Kartrashian and her big ol’ ass, which I thought was the biggest ever.

Oh no.  now we have some women named “Blac Chyna”, Nicki Minaj and “Coco”, who’s married to “Ice T”.

Who the hell names these people anyway?

I find it very amusing that I’m using voice text on my phone and Blac Chyna is recognized by my phone and is not spelled out black or china.

Geez.

Black China is famous because her baby daddy is “Tyga”.

Which by the way, my phone also recognizes “Tyga”.

Coco is famous for being married to Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Lauren Marrow. He’s a former rap guy who’s now on a TV show called Law and Order, which I think is one of the worst acted TV shows ever.

They’re both in the news a lot right now because they just had a baby named Chanel.

But anyway, back to big booties.

Amber Rose.

Now THAT is a ginormous ass also.

Now it’s clear from looking at some of these before and after pictures that little Kimmy, little Amber  and little Nicki have had something done to their asses.

There is no way in hell they went from flat asses to all of a sudden these ginormous buckets.

Although I must admit my ass does look quite a bit like Miss dimples I mean Amber Rose’s pooper.

I just don’t understand why men go crazy for these big asses.

Unfortunately, women are stupid enough to go out and pay money to obtain them.

Women do it all the time.  The 2 most popular ways to add more junk to your trunk are transfer of your own fat to the buttocks, aka “Brazilian Butt Lift” and Buttock Implants (semi-solid soft silicone rubber implants).

Adding fat to your ass runs about $4,077;  implants about $4,580 according to 2014 statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons.

Fuck that, I’d rather go on a trip to Italy for a 2 week wine bender.

While I was looking for butt pictures, I found this lady…

Apparently her ass is all her.  I dunno if I believe that, but it’s definitely an ass I find fascinating.

When I was younger, my butt was more bubbly looking than it is now.

In middle school and junior high I wore pants called “dittos”, which were super popular and had trim work that went over each ass cheek and down each leg. I had them in every color. I remember babysitting so I could save money and buy more dittos.

When I think back to my young ass I could just kick myself.  I always tried to hide it’s roundness. It was a fine ass.

Now with each year my ass seems to spread out more from side to side. I know I’m in serious danger of having an old lady pancake ass, which does not look really good, so I’m hopeful that Mr. Wonderful’s eyes are the first thing to go.

I sit in my chair and clench, hold and unclench then repeat over and over and over and over again.

In fact, I’m doing it right now.

I’m convinced when I get out of the chair my ass will look just like Blac Chyna’s or Coco’s, or Amber Rose’s or Kim Kartrashian or JLo.

Unfortunately it will probably continue to look like a flatter version of Amber Rose’s dimply butt.

I should probably do more squats.

I should probably start actually doing squats.

Sigh, I need wine.