Gilding your lily

Touchy subject…

Get it?…”touchy subject”?…lol, sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Recently, I was invited to go away for a weekend with some friends, all women.  Two of them are now married to each other and they own a home at the Arizona river.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go because Mr. Wonderful’s daughter is having her baby shower here at the house, dangit.

Tried to get her to change the date, but it was too late, her sisters had already taken time off to come here from out of state.

Shit…

Anyway, not only do I love a weekend away, I love these 5 other women to death.  They make me laugh and are supportive and smart and have great stories.

When I first met Mr. Wonderful and he was a ginormous dick (as men can be) not knowing what he wanted,  blah blah blah, they held my hand when I cried and listened to me bitch and moan.  One of them even said she would punch Mr. Wonderful in the balls if he hurt me.

In short, I am thankful for the friendships with them.

Anyway, the invitation brought to mind another weekend with the girls a few years ago. It was before the two of them, Scout and Vroom Vroom fell in love and married each other.

There were six of us, and we sat around the table outside one morning in our jammies drinking coffee, talking about sex and men and divorce and kids and make up and alcohol and just enjoying our girl time with each other, no kids, no husbands or boyfriends, no housework.

Until Tiny disappeared for quite some time.  When she did return to the table, we all asked her where she had been.

She then told us that she had brought her vibrator with her and was gettin busy with herself.

We all kinda looked at each other and no one really said much of anything.  I’m not sure what the others were thinkin, but I was thinkin…

Ewwwwww, really?  You were rubbin one out in the next room while we’re all out here?

I dunno, but it kinda struck me as, well…odd.

Not odd to masturbate, but to bring one along for a 2 day weekend with your friends.

Then I realized that she probably doesn’t have any privacy to rub one out because she has teenagers at home and I imagine as soon as they hear the ol’ chainsaw, they would freak out and she would be embarrassed.

So when the invitation for the weekend came up (hehe, came) I kinda wondered if Tiny would be bringin her toy, lol.

It also made me start thinkin about masturbation.

We all do it, or have done it, or will do it at some point.

We use fingers, dildo’s, vibrators and other shit to tickle our dingle dangles and I know of one person who is into cucumbers.  (hehe cucumbers)

A few years ago another friend told me all about her fascination with a polish sausage.  I still don’t know why she told me all about it, because I was so fucking shocked and grossed out and I had to look calm and collected as she told me all about putting saran wrap on a polska kielbasa before diddling herself. I swear I am not making this shit up.

I decided then and there to never eat at her house again.

I am shocked by how many slang terms for “it” there are, I actually looked some up and I tell ya, men have a lot more ways of saying they jerk off than we have for saying we rubbed one out.

Examples?  C’mon, you know you wanna hear em, they are pretty damned funny too.

Male:

Jackin’ the beanstalk, shaking hands with the unemployed, hand to gland combat, beat your meat, jerk off, jack off, choke the chicken, five knuckle shuffle, flog the log,  pole vault, polish the knob, punch the clown, polish the knob, slap the salami, pull the pud, spank Frank (or Hank), wax the carrot, toss off, spank the monkey, charm the snake, a little five on one, abuse the fuse, badger the witness, squeeze the banana, baste the turkey, beat the baby batter, bop the boa, box Oscar,  butter the corn, choke the chubby, clean the pipes, dance around the maypole, Do Mary Palm and her five sisters, punch the donkey, milk the cow and my all time favorite…

Make the bald man cry.

Female:

Buff the muffin, rub one out, flick the bean, pet the kitty, trippin the switch, beat around the bush, finger paint, club the clam, polish the pearl, get lost in the deep end, paddle the pink canoe, rolling the dough, tiptoe through the two lips, ménage a mois, Jill off, do it yourself time, soak the sponge, watch ET (phone home, get it?), circle the wagon, triggering (That picture of Brad Pitt triggered me”)

A few years ago girl spawn was playin upstairs with her friend, Sparkle.  They asked if they could try on my shoes.  I was downstairs doin I don’t know, sittin on my ass eating bon bons and I said “sure, just put everything back when you’re done”.

I didn’t think anything about it until later when I was opening my closet.  That’s when I saw it…

The shoebox…on the shelf…was moved..

I just bet you can guess what was in the shoebox, huh?

It was a toy box, if you get what I mean.

There was a vibrator and a bunch of crazy stuff from those parties with toys and lingerie shit that I have gone to….Hell, I have hosted a couple of em.

Also in that toybox?

Neon condoms…packets of lube that had been thrown from a float at the Long Beach Gay Pride that I went to with the crazy girlfriends (that’s another story and it’s a fun one!)  Penis shaped lipstick.  A penis lollypop. Edible panties. Playing cards with naked people on em.  A boxed chia pet shaped like a penis.  A tube of some goopy stuff to make your dingle dangle tingle. Penis erasers for your pencils.

Fuuuuucccckkkk.

I waited for girl spawn to say something.  I’m fairly certain she saw all of the stuff in the box, along with her friend Sparkle.  I told Sparkle’s mom, Rapunzel, and we both waited but neither girl ever said a word.

Why are we always embarrassed by this stuff?

I think my generation is still a little shy about it (well some of us are)  I can recall going to a naughty store with the ex husband, Mr. Piece of shit in 1997 and begging him to come in with me but he refused.  He sat in the car for an hour while I shopped for fun shit.   He actually wore a baseball hat and glasses because he thought someone might see him.  Ummm, asshole, we’re in Hawaii, the chances of someone we know being here on vacation the same time as we are is pretty low.

Boy spawn asked me what “beat off” meant. I think he was about 9 or 10.  I wanted to die, but I told him it meant to touch and stroke your penis.  He then asked what a boner was and of course I explained that it was a slang term for erection.  Of course then I had to explain that one too, telling him “See how I’m standing straight and erect?,  “An erection is when your penis is hard and standing straight up, kinda like in the morning when you have to pee”.

At that moment, I remember thinking how much I hated my ex husband, because usually, the Dad talks to the son about this kinda stuff, not the mom.

A few months ago, a friendly acquaintance of mine, who is married told me he has looked at my picture when he masturbates.

Uhh, glad I could help you out.  Geez.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry.  I don’t think he was hitting on me, he was very matter of fact about it and did not say anthing else or try anything.

Hmm…on the one hand (hehe, no pun intended), I felt kinda icky and grossed out and bummed out for his wife, who is super nice and super gorgeous.  Bleck, the thought of this guy spankin hank while looking at me was just….wrong.

But then I started to think about it a little.

Masturbation is normal, and most men do it while looking at pictures of nekkid or half nekkid hot women.

Then I didn’t feel so grossed out, I figured “Hey, I must not be all that bad for an old broad”.

The bottom line is this:

It’s fun and it can relieve tension and stress.  You can do it alone or with your partner and there is no shame in it.

You’re not gonna go blind.