Love this kitty’s face. Its kinda how I’m feelin today…
Had hand therapy this morning. It lasted too damn long and my damned hand hurts…a lot.
But it’s gettin better so I’ll be back at work soon.
Oh joy.
Gonna work on my website this week, amongst other things.
I say this as I look at the pile a shit to the left of me and the pile a shit to the right of me…oh yeah, another pile a shit on top of the printer.
A lot of the pile is Venus catalogs. You know, Venus-clothes, bathing suits, etc? All the women are hot looking and do not have a bit of cellulite, muffin top or fat assery goin on.
Fuckers.
I’m beginning to dread every time one of those damn catalogs shows up in the mail. It’s like a big ass slap in the face to remind me that my ass and everything attached to it is now larger and jigglier. Bout the only thing that looks fab is my boobs and I paid for them so they don’t really count.
I re-joined a gym. I had too. I’m starting to wince when I see myself nekkid in the mirror. Not to mention I refuse to ever wear a fucking bathing suit with a skirt. I plan on wearin a bikini until the day I die. Lookin forward to treadmill and weight training. Always liked lifting weights.
Until I”m feelin a bit um, perkier, I’ll be sure to drug Mr. Wonderful so he’s too groggy to reallly take a hard look at my ass.
Anyway…I have a treadmill in the garage and I really like it. I was doin a coupla miles a day until just recently.
Here’s what happened.
Woke up about 6am. Headed downstairs to grab a cuppa joe and head out to the garage to jump on it. I set the kawfee down on the counter and went to the garage to put Gidget and Meekie out. Those are the doggies. They sleep there because I can’t trust either to not pee. Meekie’s old and Gidget’s stupid. Another reason I like kitties- LITTERBOXES! Don’t start yellin at me about Gidget bein stupid-she is, trust me. She’s a Malti-poo and lemme tell ya-I have heard poodles are smart-she must be more Maltese, cuz she’s a bit of a dumbass.
Soo…I heard her growl a little before I opened the door and I was ready to yell at her for pickin on Meekie, who’s a 14 year old lady American Eskimo.
I open the door and see she’s starin up to the left. I follow her eyes, thinkin oh shit, I hope it’s not a rat (Kinda semi rural behind us with a horse trail and Fred and Barney always bringin me a rat or lizard treat) So I look up and down, side to side and nope, I don’t see a rat. Do ya know what I see?
A fuckin HUGE cock-a-roach. You know, those big ol gigantic things that look prehistoric and people say it’s a water bug but the hell it is.
OMG, I started to hyperventilate a little. I do NOT do bugs of any kinds. It was slowly crawlin down the file cabinet. So I walked reeeaalll slowly to the door and opened it for the doggies to go out. I was starin at it and tryin to think, “What the hell am I gonna do?”
I knew I had to wait til it hit the floor and then cover it up with like a bowl or somethin and then put something heavy like a piano on top of the bowl. (Of course you always, always throw the bowl away after someone kills the bug, cuz duhhh, bug germs)
I could not leave it and go get one so I dumped out the dog’s food onto the floor and started creepin up on it, all the while sayin “Oh dear God in heaven, Oh dear God in heaven, Oh dear God in heaven”
I watched that big fucker crawl all the way down and I got ready to do it until I noticed he was gonna touch my John Wayne. Yes, I have John Wayne in the garage, doesn’t everyone? Check him out, he is seriously packin quite the package, ya know what I’m sayin girls?
Anyway, I reached out to grab John Wayne…no, not his package, the cardboard duhh, and just as I put my hand on him, that HUGE cock-a-roach got a look at me and started runnin. He hid behind the mops and brooms and oh hell no…
So I stood there, starin at the mops and brooms just waitin for him. Nothin. The whole time in my head I’m workin out different scenarios for catchin him so Mr. Wonderful can kill him when he gets home.
That’s when I saw him crawling UP THE DAMNED WALL.
Hell to the no. I quit. I called Mr. Wonderful and he promised me when he got home he would find it, kill it and show me the body since I would not believe it until I saw it.
Well guess what? He still hasn’t found it and I refuse to go into the garage without shoes on and a big ol plastic bowl on my head.
Girl spawn and Mr. Wonderful named it Houdini Jesus. Not Jesus like “Jesus”, but the hispanish way, “Haysoose”…
And that my friends is why my ass is bigger.
The end.
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