I don’t wanna hear it…I already know…
I suffer from “bitoffmorethanIcanchew-itis”.
Bitter old cat lady…
What can I say, it’s super hard to keep up with a website and the store attached to it, then a separate store on Facebook and Instagram store, BOCL Instagram, Facebook, Twitter (yeah, I know it’s called “X” but I will still call it Twitter, Bluesky (yup, I joined it and Elon would not let me transfer all my followers from Twitter to Bluesky cuz he’s a big ol dick), Spoutible (Yeah…I joined it too cuz I thought Twitter was on the way out and cuz it had a cute whale logo), Reddit, a podcast and emails.
Add all that to “real” life-a big ol house with a big ol garden, cats (that are increasin in quantity), Fatass Gidget, Mr. Wonderful, Girl spawn, Nana, work (got rid of job that made me crazier than usual), travel, assorted illnesses, my pseudo mom breakin her hip, depression and refurbishin a coupla Mr. Wonderful’s rental houses.
My dang cup hath runneth over!
Then a coupla big shit things happened.
The first big shit thing is that my podcast producer “Honeybun” became very ill and dropped out. That was super hard. Honeybun? He seems to be doin well now. After long discussions with Mr. Wonderful, the crazy girlfriends, Girl spawn and a podcaster who’s show I guested on, (the Drink-o’clock podcast) I decided I’d try to self produce. Ran into many issues with equipment (which ain’t cheap by the way) had Honeybun over a coupla times to go over everything with me and discovered my laptop was not compatible with my software. Fuck a duck.
So I’m usin a brand new laptop. Girl spawn got the older one and she’s happy with that. Tryin to get used to this new one and then…will probably start podcast up again. Will also shut down several of the social media accounts to give me some breathin room and try to have fun again.
I remember fun…
The second big shit thing is I will not keep my mouth shut anymore. I am too old, too tired and my ass is too fat to stuff my feelins anymore. Ima say what I want, how I want and when I want. If somethin bothers me or pisses me off, I’m gonna say it and I may write about it. When I first started bloggin on Facebook I said whatever I wanted and it was great. Then, I made the mistake of tellin some people about BOCL and that she was me and it made it a bit harder to be honest in my bloggin. I didn’t wanna offend anyone. Then Mr. Wonderful told his daughter’s about Bitter old cat lady and that fucked me a bit. Holdin onto that grudge against him for openin his trap. I started writin all this shit so I could say what I think and feel and sometimes reach people who are thinkin and feelin the same. Or piss people off. I seem to be good at that. I wanna say what I wanna say.
So…I have decided Ima do me and do what I want in terms of bitchin and moanin. I’m also gonna try to appreciate myself. Stop tryin to please everyone else. My friend Scout recently reminded me that I do this and I need to stop. Start pleasin myself first…Hmm….that sounds very…masturbator-ish. Look, if you recognize yourself here, you can comment all ya want, but just remember, you may just out yourself and then folks will really know you’re an asshole. Remember, it’s all about perception. These are mine, you may have your own…or maybe you really are an asshole.
The third big shit thing is actually related to the first and second big shit thing. Compatibility and sayin what I want. I’ve thought about writin about it for sooo long but it hit so close to home and it was super painful. I decided not to. Well,…things change, see second big shit thing about sayin what I want.
One of my “friends” fucked up with some pretty awful drunken comments on a live podcast that I then had to delete and then handle the complaints and anger from people that follow me on my Facebook blog or heard the live broadcast. I forgave her cuz she was drinkin, we all were drinkin, bein crazy and inappropriate and I had been friends with her for over 20 years. Although now, after doin a lotta reflection on the shit she said and the excuses I made for her to myself, I know that usually when you say shit while drunk it’s whatcha really mean but don’t say while sober. What y0u ask did she say? Homophobic slurs. It was pretty shocking, particularly since two of our close girlfriends are married and I have always been a loud supporter of LGBTQ+ people. For fuck sake, I had a float in the Long Beach Pride parade. After she said the shit that she said, I knew I needed to talk to her and I told my other close friends who heard what she said that it was my responsibility cuz it was on my podcast. I did not want to talk to her at all. I had the feelin that no one else wanted to either. Why? Cuz she is a volatile person; becomes loud and angry and bullies when she’s called out on anything.
A few weeks after the incident, I went to her home for a movie. I was gonna do “the talk” but her daughter was home so I skipped it. Frankly, I was relieved. I didn’t wanna deal with the situation or her at all. I think there was a part of me that knew that it would open a can of worms and make me actually think about the friendship and force me to put more space between she and I. I’d been distancin myself from her for close to a year; the dinner invitations had pretty much stopped, the wine tastin, movies, etc. I put that space up because I was tired of her volatility and bullyin. I avoided seein her, talkin to her and then went on a vacation. I didn’t talk to her about that live podcast for almost 3 months. After the vacation I went to her home and we were drinkin wine and I said I need to talk to you about somethin and it’s serious. When I asked her if she noticed the podcasts she was a part of had not been released she said yes, she did notice. I told her why and immediately she started with the raised voice. Did not believe me. Insisted on callin Honeybun (the producer) to ask him if she has said the vile things. He said yes. Then he did something I’m still kinda annoyed with. He sent her the episodes so she too could hear what she had said. I’d wanted them destroyed. I did not like what she said, I did not like the tone of any of us on the podcast and I especially didn’t like that I didn’t call her out on her shit immediately, on the air. She went from anger and yellin to tears from her and me. Wanted to know why I hadn’t said anything sooner. Because of your anger I told her. Said I didn’t want to deal with it. I was ready to move forward. She was too she said. We went out to dinner, we drank wine and I felt like it was done. I paid for dinner. Two days later when I saw her she was chilly. Apparently she had decided we could no longer be friends. I waited too long to talk to her about it. That was her reasonin.
So, I picked myself up, brushed myself off and then sat and thought long and hard about so many things related to that relationship:
That friendship. God, where to even begin. It was such an important friendship to me. I loved her. I loved her kids (the youngest one spent so much time here growin up and was besties with Girl spawn) She made me laugh-those great big belly laughs. We took trips together. She ate dinner at my house pretty much weekly and I enjoyed spendin time with her. I knew her family, she knew mine. She was one of my best friends and I trusted her with my kids, my heart, everything.
Hindsight is a wonderful and horrible thing. On the one hand, I should have spoken with her when it all went down. It woulda been the right thing to do for someone who was a close friend. I was willin to forgive the dumb shit she said, but she was not willin to forgive me for not tellin her sooner that she was an asshole. When did it become my job to regulate another person’s behavior? Fractures in that friendship had already begun and I had distanced myself from her already so when the shit went down, it made it easier to not talk to her. Did not want the argument. But havin her cut me out stung.
She changed so much both durin and after her divorce. An anger and volatility I had seen in the past, but increased. So when all the shit hit the fan, I did not want to deal with her shit at all.
Oh I know I’ve changed too, this wasn’t all one sided, nothin ever is. I was angry and fucked up after my divorce too and I’m definitely more jaded. I’m bossy and bitchy and sometimes I can seriously rock a holier than thou attitude.
My mindset up until a coupla months ago was that I would never close the door on her, that I still loved her and I was still mournin that relationship. A close friendship with another women is like a marriage. She said nasty shit about me to mutual friends. I’m thankful they all know who she is and did not buy into her narrative. My mindset about closin the door all changed when her ex-husband passed away. He’d been ill for a long time. He was a kind man and a wonderful father. I was told with many apologies by her daughter that her mom had said I was not to attend his services. No, I didn’t go, I would never do anything to hurt the daughters and she knew that. Didn’t have the balls to say something to me, which is why she had her daughter do her dirty work. She went out of her way to hurt me.
That changed it all for me. Any lastin warm fuzzies I felt are gone. The cruelty and nastiness was so over the top, even for her. Look, we are all victims in situations in some way, shape or form in our lives but she was not the victim in the end of this friendship and not the victim in his death, his daughters were and are. I now feel less trustin in my friendships which sucks.
I read something recently that really summed it all up:
“Some people will never reach out and speak to you again because they don’t have the emotional maturity to cope with the fact that they did you wrong and you didn’t deserve it”. “Since they lack accountability, they will create a made up narrative about you so they don’t feel bad about themselves”.
Movin forward and workin on findin joy in the friendships I have and tryin to be a better communicator. Lettin go of relationships that don’t bring me joy. Bitter old cat lady brings me joy. Most important? KNOW MY WORTH.
Cheers!
BOCL
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